Two days after the girls left I didn’t do anything. I couldn’t. I didn’t have the energy. I was emotionally wiped and physically drained. At one point I did a load of laundry, but I couldn’t fold it. I had nothing left.
But that didn’t last long.
I got motivated; motivated to move. To do whatever it was that I could do. To buy, to sell, to initial and sign. Not to mention the needed recovery from 5 weeks of no house work, no yard work, no work. Its was 5 weeks of all play. The weeds were my proof; they were up to my eyeballs.
Then, as if punishment for spending two days being brain dead, I suddenly couldn’t stop thinking. I had and have so many ideas. Ways to fundraise, errands to run, graphs to make, things to check up on. Grief, memories, laughter, pictures, updates, questions, answers, more questions. I couldn’t focus on one thing. It was debilitating.
In my hollow head splinters of a thousand thoughts floated without purpose. It was beautiful, but deceitful. It wasn’t enticing, but instead threatening.
I realized what I was doing wrong.
Instead of taking practical advise on how to prioritize my day and schedule each minute; instead of sucking down caffeine in supernatural quantities, or figuring out how to go on 4 hours of sleep, I knew I just had to quiet my brain. And to be able to quiet my brain, I just had to trust. Just trust. Nine little letters that don’t seem intimidating. Wrong again.
Trust that the girls know we love them. Trust that they still love us. Trust that they miss us. Trust that the paperwork will come in. Trust that the money will appear by the grace of God. Trust that we won’t be delayed. Trust that this will happen. Trust that “the powers that be” approve. Trust that countries get along. Trust that planes land safely. Trust that they are safe. Trust that God ordained this.
Because He did!!
And in all of this I fail; over and over and over again. I’m getting better, but I’m no where near perfect. I stress, I fret, I work. I turn my energy in productivity. I get things done. Then I’m reminded that everything I can do is nothing compared to what is needed.
I only have one choice.
Just trust in our Great Heavenly Father. That he will sweep up this shattered glass and make it beautiful in the end.