Nothingness

Trust the Fog (1)

Some days I just get overwhelmed with nothingness.

I’m a nurse, but it’s not a secret I miss patients that are awake. A place where I feel I make a true impact. I love my husband’s ministry, but I’ve needed to take time away.  We’re adopting, but not really, because it’s been three years and we have yet to bring a child home for good. I’m trying to write a blog and get some traction, ugh. Website up? No, not really. Really hopeful to speak in your Sunday school. Crickets. I’m not even able to keep my house 100% clean 100% of the time. Fail.

Am I alone here? I don’t think I am.

Sometimes the nothingness with which we live our lives in is overwhelming. It can feel like nothing has been completed, successful or easy. Where’s the legacy? Or skip that, where’s the basic everyday accomplishment? Is the key to completion just perseverance? What if perseverance isn’t enough? What then?

This ache bruised my heart as I read through Luke chapter 12. Somehow, in this low moment I read the scripture differently than I have before.

Consider the ravens. Consider the lilies.

But seek ye first the kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. 

For where your treasure is there your heart will be also.

  • We need to remember the ravens. We need to consider the lilies.  Their very purpose it to bring glory to God, yet it is only through him that they can accomplish their purpose. We need to remember our purpose and WHO we are dependent on to accomplish that purpose.
  • Seek ye first the kingdom.  A new perspective. A resent in direction. It’s never been about us, so the less we make It about us, the more “on track” we are. Reset our sights.                                                                                                                                                   
  • Do not be afraid, little flock. I love that we are called “little flock” here. Because most of the time that’s what I feel like. A small fish in the big pond of God’s plan. We are afraid. We are afraid that we will go this week, this month, this year or this life without accomplishing our dreams.
  • For where your treasure is then you heart will be also. Maybe we will never get anything done. Maybe your kids will never be president. Maybe they won’t even make the varsity team. Maybe your always loose the battle of dishes in your kitchen sink. Maybe you’ll never finish reading that book, or organizing the closet. Maybe it, whatever it is, just won’t happen. But maybe we’ve all put too much “value” on things that aren’t actually treasure.

There is freedom to be found in being the lilies of the valley and the ravens of the air. Work hard, keep going, persevere, but know that our true purpose is found in, and accomplished by, bringing glory to God. Even in the nothingness.

Our true treasure is eternity. Remembering that changes everything.

 

 

 

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Set My Heart on You

All my life I’ve wanted to be wise.

Wise and in love with Jesus; fully dependent on him and him alone. I’ve made strides to be that person, but I never felt like I made substantial progress. I wasn’t using this time on Earth well. I have been inefficient with the days God had given me. I had so much to learn, I still have so much to learn. The more I learn, the more I don’t know.

About 2 years ago, when we filed paperwork for our first adoption, when made a commitment, told our families, and fronted thousands of dollars, I knew I was in for it. I knew that I would be a different person at the end of this journey then I was at the beginning.

I was ok with it.

Over the past 2 years the lessons I have learned have been tremendous and good. I have watched as God provided strength, wisdom, people, encouragement, joy, love, laughter, perseverance, energy, and family. Did I mention support?

God has made himself known in so many ways that feel good. Everything I mentioned above – feels good, is life giving; uplifting.

But God makes himself known in hard ways as well.

Here, in the waiting, I have never felt a more constant ache; almost a gnawing. It’s like I am always hungry for my girls, hungry for their affection and laughter, hungry to have them home, hungry to love them, hungry to be complete. I am always hungry and never satisfied.

Yet I have never been closer to Jesus.

Hungry for his Word, aching to understand it; striving to hide it in my heart; turning to it for comfort, singing it for peace, holding onto its promises. Not that he will grant me my desires, but that He will be with all of us no matter what.

I know that there are reasons for the wait that I may never know or understand. I know there are excuses presented that I will never believe or accept. But I also know that

Dependency on my father, is more important than delivery of my children.       

This is hard to type, and harder to voice. I want Jesus close to me more then I want my girls close to me. If we have to wait, so I can draw nearer to God, then please let us wait. This waiting is bitter, but I have never found such sweetness in the Lord than right now.

No matter when and even if you bring them home, I am thankful for this time. It’s been you and me. Actually, it’s been you carrying me. You uphold me with joy, peace, and kindness. I will be satisfied in your love and trusting in your knowledge, your power and your grace. I have set my heart on you. I have set my heart on all that you are. Thank you for carrying me. I will cling to the promise that you will never let me go.

Set My Heart – Vertical Church Band https://youtu.be/A8pMqbDAEP0 @verticalchband